All You Have
by MyQuantumTheory
Summary: JJ and Emily, a few months post-200 (from a request prompt over at my tumblr that took on a life of its own...)
1. Chapter 1

And all you have is kisses  
>And all I need is you<br>- _Ribcage_, Elbow

* * *

><p>When Emily gets the email from JJ saying that Will has moved out, she can't believe it. She knows how hard they both worked at it, at being there for Henry and each other and making things work. When she calls that night, JJ sounds hollow and resigned. He's been gone a couple of weeks and it's been over a lot longer, she says. She hasn't told anyone yet. They're splitting time with Henry. "We just couldn't make it okay again, after everything," is all she'll say about it. Then, her voice trembling with tears she's only just holding back, she adds, "Talk to me, please? About anything."<p>

So she does. About London at first, then about the BAU. She forgets herself and calls it home. She talks about days they spent together and nights out with Garcia, and before she knows it she's saying she'll take some time off and visit. The sound of JJ's sad, small voice on the other end of the line is too much for her – maybe it's a bad idea, but she can't keep herself away. "As soon as I can," she promises. "I'll move some things around, clear a few days…"

"Are you sure you can take the time?"

"Don't be ridiculous." Dropping everything for each other is what they do. And she can't stand the sound of the tears bubbling under the surface, not when she can't reach out and take her hand, or wrap her up in a hug and let her cry it out.

When she lands, JJ is waiting for her in arrivals. They spot each other within seconds – by the time Emily sees her, she's crying silent tears, her hand covering her mouth. It's not because she misses Will so much as because she misses who she used to be, how easy it used to be, because she's afraid of this wide open public space. And because god she's missed Emily, the only person who ever really understood any of this. They gravitate together, as fast as they can without breaking into a run. When they meet, Emily wraps her arms around her and hugs her hard, so hard she feels anchored. She buries her face in Emily's neck and her arms snake around her waist, her hands clinging to the back of the pale blue sweater she wears.

"Hey," Emily whispers, her breath soft and warm on her ear.

"Hey," she whispers back. They stand like that for at least a minute, holding on impossibly tight, and she becomes more and more aware of Emily's breath on her neck, her floral scent, the way her body feels pressing closer against her with every breath. She'd forgotten about this, how difficult it has always been to ignore her physicality. "Thank you for coming," she mumbles.

"Any time."

JJ drives them back to her place, and in the car they talk like they did on the phone – about work and the team and London and DC. When they get inside, Emily reaches into her handbag produces a giftwrapped parcel. "I bought you something," she says, chewing the corner of her lip. "I just – it made me think of you."

JJ smiles, the first real smile she's managed for days, as she takes it. She waves vaguely toward the space under the coathooks to let Emily know she can drop her luggage there for now, and they sit down on the sofa. JJ peels off the tape gently, one piece at a time until she can unfold the paper. "Em," she says softly, her eyes brimming. It's a silk scarf, the same blue as Emily's sweater, patterned with little blackbirds.

"I didn't know if -" Emily begins nervously.

JJ drops the scarf into her lap and reaches for her, pulling her into a hug. Emily's hand spreads between her shoulder blades, the other reaching around her waist, pulling her closer, and she closes her eyes, burrows her nose into the comforting rose scent of Emily's hair. She feels Emily hesitate for a moment – her muscles tightening for just a second – and then she kicks off her shoes and lies down, holds her arms out. JJ swallows hard, wipes tears from her eyes and joins her, tucks herself into the embrace. She feels tears roll down her cheeks and onto Emily's arm and she's surprised she doesn't feel self conscious.

"It's okay," Emily whispers into her hair. "You're okay." She knows she should shut up, block out the way this is making her ache in a thousand different ways, but she can't – she keeps her lips pressed to JJ's hair and keeps whispering. Nothing in particular, really, just that everything's going to be okay and that she's strong and beautiful and she is so so sorry she had to go through this but it's not what you do or what they do to you, it's who you become…

She freezes when JJ nuzzles into her neck, brushing the sensitive spot on her collarbone. And everything shifts – a palpable electricity sparks between them and her fingers involuntarily dig into JJ's shoulder. JJ pulls back slowly and meets her eyes, questioning, their faces inches apart. Emily stares back, pulls her lip between her teeth and chews. She sees JJ's eyes flit down, and then back, and then her hand slides from her back, around her waist and down to her hip – she can't suppress the shiver that runs through her, her nerves tingling traitorously, and then JJ is leaning toward her, keeping her eyes on hers, still silently asking.

She shouldn't. They found themselves on this edge before, a long time ago, and she knows she shouldn't, for so many reasons, too many, but she has wanted this for so long and her eyes close and her lips part and her hand threads into JJ's hair. When their lips meet, finally, after years of anticipation and doubt and letting go, it's so glorious she releases a choked little whimper. JJ's teeth dig gently into her lip and their bodies arch into each other desperately.

Emily wedges her thigh between JJ's, slides her hand down her hip and turns her onto her back, kissing hard and JJ tugs at her hair, keeping their mouths firmly locked together, waves of pleasure radiating through her as her hips push up. Then Emily slows. Her hand slides around from her hip to just below her belly button, slipping under her t-shirt and spreading there, flat against her. JJ shivers, her eyes slamming shut because it feels so good and because she's definitely going to cry again. "Jayje, I'm sorry," Emily whispers, pulling back just enough to rest her forehead on JJ's. "I'm so sorry."

JJ tries to keep herself still as tears leak from her closed eyes, but she can't – her muscles are still shivering with anticipation and she tilts her chin up, pulls Emily's mouth back to hers and kisses her again, soft and trembling. "I know," she whispers, when they stop for air, her fingers sliding under the sweater and finding the raised, knotted scar tissue and whispering over it. "Me too."

* * *

><p>Emily wakes in the morning tangled in JJ and in the sheets, the soft light telling her it's too early to move. Her hand finds its way into JJ's hair and she runs her fingers through it, thinking she can't believe she's here, they're here, finally. And she only gets four more days. Her throat aches with the thought and she closes her eyes, presses her head back into the pillow.<p>

"Em," JJ mumbles, finding Emily's arm and trailing her fingers up and down slowly. "You know I never… I always… I never forgot." Emily doesn't know what to say to that, so she holds her closer. They're silent for so long she thinks JJ must have fallen asleep again, then the softest voice says, "Emily?"

"Yeah?"

"Could you be happy here? With me?"


	2. Chapter 2

Emily sighs and presses her lips to the top of JJ's head, kisses where her hair parts. It's a big question, one she's nowhere near equipped to answer.

JJ feels her hesitate and feels something sink in her chest. She knew, of course she did, that Emily's career is the most important thing to her. That it's _Interpol_ for god's sake, her own gateway office… "It's okay," she says quietly. "I'm sorry, that just – I shouldn't have -"

"JJ…" Emily begins, a guilty ache creeping up her chest.

"It's okay," JJ repeats, propping herself up on her elbow and settling her hand on Emily's ribs, over the slow, steady thump of her heart. Her eyes sweep over the pale, impossibly soft skin of Emily's bare chest and find her eyes. She gives her best attempt at a smile. "We have now, right?"

Emily's brow knits a little as she looks her over, studying her face – her smile wobbles a little, big blue eyes sparkling with emotion she can't quite figure out. "We do," she says softly. She reaches up, slides her fingertips over JJ's cheek, into her hair and guides her down, kissing slow and soft, trying to say everything she needs to say with the pressure of her lips and hands because she can't figure out how to do it in words.

JJ pulls back with a smile and curls into her, head on her chest and fingers absently tracing over the scar below her ribs. Emily pulls the blanket up over them and combs her fingers through JJ's hair. She stares at the ceiling, intensely aware of JJ's fingertips trailing over her, from the knotted mess of a scar she can't feel to soft, tingling skin – it's a weird sensation, and a good one, once she's over the initial horror of letting anybody get near the scar. She doesn't mind it, really, now that she's used to it. She just hasn't been able to handle the thought of anybody seeing it for the first time until now, and if she's not careful, touching it pulls her back to the memory of getting it… She takes a slow, deep breath and JJ's hand flattens on her, her fingertips spreading out.

"Em," JJ says, and Emily closes her eyes for a second as warm breath fans unexpectedly across her breast. She hums to let her know she's heard. "I don't want you to regret this."

She shakes her head slowly, kisses the part of JJ's hair again. As complicated as this already feels, regret is the last thing on her mind. "I won't," she promises. "You?"

"No regrets," she says, and Emily can feel her smiling, thinks she can even feel the heat of a blush. "I just can't believe we're really here. Everything…"

She trails off because she doesn't know how to say it. That everything is a mess, she's a mess, she let her family fall apart and every second she spends in this house without Henry is a punch in the gut, but with Emily's arms around her, Emily's lips on hers, at least _something_ feels right. That last night was the first time she slept through the night for months. And the thought of letting it go is terrifying, but the thought of never having it in the first place isn't any better.

"I just… Really like this," she says eventually.

Emily sighs and spreads her hands out over JJ's back, savouring the soft, lithe feel of her. "Me too," she whispers, and she knows it shouldn't feel like an admission, but it does. She wills herself to stay in the moment, to stop herself from thinking about having this for real, waking up every morning with JJ's leg thrown over hers… She can't have that. She made her decision, stepped back when she found out about Will, let go when she found out about Henry. She thinks of Doyle, and leaving JJ sitting at a table in Paris with tears in her eyes, sure they would never see each other again, walking away with her body aching and her bag rattling with painkillers she wasn't taking nearly enough of… Just like she did back then, she swallows the _I love you_ that rises in her throat. "You want to go for breakfast?"

* * *

><p>They go to a café, one they used to go to before work sometimes. Emily lets JJ lead, walking half a step behind and telling herself she's <em>not<em> _profiling_ as she watches her pick out a place to sit. She's not surprised when they end up in the furthest corner from the door, JJ taking the seat facing into the room. Emily sits down opposite her and reaches across the table, threads their fingers together and gives her a reassuring squeeze. The waitress seems to recognise them, raises a knowing eyebrow when she sees their hands woven together on the table. Emily smiles down at the tablecloth, biting her lip.

She waits until breakfast arrives, when she's seen JJ's eyes sweep over the room at least five different times, before she says, "Are you doing therapy?"

JJ's eyebrows raise, more taken aback than she really should be by the abruptness of the question. "I go on Th-"

"I know they're _sending_you," Emily says, recognising the approaching non-answer. "But are you _doing_ it?"

JJ drops her eyes, stirring her coffee slowly. Sometimes she wishes Emily wasn't so damn perceptive. Then she remembers she'd be dead, and that would only be the beginning of the problem. "I'm fine," she says softly, barely audible over the clink of her spoon on the inside of the cup. "I'm okay."

Emily sighs. "Honey, it's…"

"Stop profiling," JJ says, defensive, registering the _honey_ far too late to soften her tone.

"I'm not profiling," Emily says gently. "This isn't profiling, it's remembering."

JJ sighs, stretching her legs further under the table until her calves make contact with Emily's. "I wasn't," she says, her voice dry, barely above a whisper. "I thought… I could just forget, you know? That if I didn't talk about it, I'd never have to go back there." She looks past Emily, to the door, her heart speeding up when it opens and slowing again when two old ladies walk in.

Emily nods. "How long before you realised you'd never left?"

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><p><em>Hi! Thank you so much for reading - pretty please review if you have time? <em>:)


	3. Chapter 3

They're subdued as they eat, Emily too worried about pushing JJ too far to say anything else about it. She recognises it, that's the thing. The haunted look behind JJ's eyes, the way her muscles are too tense, like she's ready to spring up and run at any second. She remembers that feeling, remembers what it did to her. What it still does to her on bad days, bad nights, when she lies in bed alone and runs her fingers over and over and over those scars and gets lost again in the waves of paralysing terror that drove her across the ocean. The same nights she tries to keep herself awake then wakes up screaming into a tearstained pillow.

They order another coffee to go and walk down the street hand in hand. JJ just sips her coffee as Emily leads, confident but unhurried – she obviously knows where they're going, and JJ doesn't ask. They end up at the steps of the Capitol building, Emily throwing a quick glance and JJ before sitting down. JJ sits too, and Emily's hand slides around her back, settling at her waist. "I do miss this," Emily says softly. "Here. DC." _You_. She used to come here all the time, since she started with the FBI – back then, it reminded her of her title, her position, everything she had overcome and everything she had done to get there. Now it reminds her of everything she ran from.

"London must be great," JJ says, her voice flatter than she intended.

Emily squeezes her waist a little, taking a slow sip of her coffee, considering her answer. "It's…" she begins, then sighs, turning to look at JJ's face, watching her eyes darting around the open space in front of them, her fingers tapping on her leg. "Do you know why I left?"

"Yes," JJ says softly, looking down, her heart starting to pound in her throat. "I do. I didn't for so long, but I get it now, I understand, I almost wish I…"

Emily's heart sinks. She puts her coffee down on the step, turns fully toward JJ and brings her hand up to her face, brushes her thumb over her cheekbone. JJ's eyes close and she swallows hard, settles a hand on Emily's thigh and grips it hard to anchor herself because she can feel it coming –the suffocating feeling of her nightmares surrounding her. "JJ," Emily says, her voice gentle. "Look at me."

_I can't_, she thinks, nausea starting to creep over her, her stomach flipping. She feels cold suddenly, feels freezing wet fabric over her mouth and nose, can't breathe –

The voice that breaks through is soft, comforting: "I got you." It reminds her first of falling then of being caught, and when she pulls herself together enough to open her eyes, Emily's hand is soft on her face, dark eyes inches away. JJ releases her drowning grip on Emily's thigh, brings her hands up to her back instead and pulls her close, brings their lips together because she needs to feel something real. Emily responds softly, lips and hands caressing, and JJ feels herself shatter. She pulls back, buries her face in her hands. "Honey, you can't keep going like this," Emily says, rubbing slow circles on her back.

JJ just nods, her breath uneven.

Emily sighs and keeps rubbing, waiting until JJ looks back up at her, her face streaked with tears. "Talk to me."

JJ looks away, shaking her head. "Em, I can't," she says through gritted teeth. "I can't give you this and watch you walk away."

Stung, Emily drops her hand into her lap. "I -" she begins, picking at her nails, hating the hurt she hears in her voice, how small and vulnerable it makes her sound.

"I don't regret any of this," JJ goes on, her voice softening as she slides her hands over Emily's, pulling them apart. "But I would regret that."

"I'm sorry," Emily replies, guilt crawling up her throat and forming a lump there.

JJ sighs, slides an arm around Emily's back and tugs her into a hug. "Don't be," she murmurs into her hair. "Interpol, Em, and London… I'd leave if I c-"

Emily sits up straight, eyes fierce. "JJ, look at me," she says firmly, the ache in her throat intensifying. "It's a great job and a big promotion and – and _London_. But I _ran away_. I buried my own version of everything you're burying right now and it -" she takes a breath, feels tears pool and spill over and looks away, intensely embarrassed, as JJ's fingers weave together with hers and squeeze. "- it ate away at everything I loved," she goes on softly, fighting to keep the tremble out of her voice. "I didn't know how to stop running. I couldn't breathe in DC because Doyle was everywhere, because I _let him_ get everywhere… I buried it for so long the entire continent was tainted. I didn't leave because I was free, Jayje, I left because I was trapped." She wipes tears away with her sleeve, turns back to JJ to find her eyes wide and sad. "Don't you dare do that to yourself," she says softly, squeezing her hands. "I'm only telling you because I don't want you to do the same thing. You deserve better."

"_I_ deserve better?" JJ says, her head tilting. "What about you?"

Emily opens her mouth to respond, then closes it, shakes her head. It's too complicated. She already ran.

JJ smiles sadly, stands up and stacks their coffee cups, holds her hand out toward Emily. "Come on." 

They go back to JJ's place, silently making the decision not to talk about it any more now, and Emily goes through JJ's TiVo as she rummages around the kitchen. "You have a lot of _Doctor Who_ for someone who isn't me or Reid," she says, arching an eyebrow when JJ appears in the doorway with a bag of pretzels.

"Henry's a fan," JJ says automatically, sitting down and settling a hand on Emily's leg, still half marvelling at how natural it feels, how totally right it is to have her hand right there. "It is pretty good," she admits with a sideways glance.

Grinning, Emily presses play. 

They watch a ridiculous number of episodes in a row, JJ lying back against Emily's chest and their arms tangled together, fingers making slow circles on each other's arms, clinging to maximum contact and trying to swallow every thought they have about London and Doyle and Askari.

"Em?"

"Mm?"

"We're pretty messed up."

Emily smiles, nuzzles JJ's hair off her temple and kisses there softly. "Yeah," she agrees. "But we made it."


End file.
